The Guilt of Memory
by Blonde Pickle Mule
Summary: Sirius has been on the run for two weeks and he drops in on Remus one night before he leaves the country. Both men are drowning in the guilt of their past, only made stronger by seeing each other again. Post POA, no slash.


**This was done for the Hogwarts Online Prompt of the Day, with the line "The worst an honest man can do is make an honest mistake," and the extra prompts: tempted, control, habit. I really hope you enjoy this still-depressing little drabble thing. Why can I not write anything happy?**

**Disclaimer: I shall never own Harry Potter, no matter how much I want to cry about it.**

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"Sirius, you're an honest man, and the worst an honest man can do is make an honest mistake!" Remus exclaimed, setting down his mug with a clunk. "It wasn't your fault James and Lily died, surely you know that?"

The haggard man in front of him lowered his eyes and sighed, seeming to curl in on himself. "It's the only thought I've been stuck with for twelve years Moony. I don't know what to think any more." Padfoot rubbed his sunken eyes with his fists, no doubt masking tears. Remus wasn't entirely sure what to say- he couldn't even begin to understand the horrors that his old friend had witnessed. He let out a long breath then leaned over and placed a hand gently on Sirius' shoulder.

"You always did have a habit of taking the blame, didn't you Padfoot? You made no more mistakes than I did." For a moment the werewolf's eyes got a nostalgic sheen as they remembered a time when the living room was full of laughter, red hair and circular glasses.

"What do you mean?" Sirius' voice was slightly choked as he reached again for his tea. Remus smiled bitterly.

"We were both their friend, Sirius. We both should have seen Peter for who he really was. Just because you were the first Secret Keeper doesn't mean the guilt should lie with you." The two men sat in a lonely silence for a moment, drinking in as much as they could of what the other had said. Neither could imagine what the other had been through, and they didn't pretend to.

Remus knew he would never understand the Dementors on the level his friend did. Sirius knew he would never understand just how alone Moony must have been. He hadn't really thought about it, but with him gone Remus had truly had no-one. It was the final lock on the door of 'Used to Be.'

Gone was the boy always happy, in control despite the condition that made his life anything but normal. In his place was a man who was grey in his thirties and so obviously lost it hurt. And in turn Sirius was nothing of the person he once was. There was no rugged looks and cheeky smile, but waxy skin and a twisted grimace.

"We've changed, Remus." Silence fell again like a curse they couldn't shift. They both realised they barely knew each other anymore...except they did. It was all just locked away in the face of everything they had been forced into, for neither had really had the chance to grow up.

Remus wordlessly poured more tea, tempted to say something but unsure how to go about it. Finally we cleared his throat. "How do we move on Padfoot?" It was said plaintively and metaphorically, because Remus had asked himself so many times the question had lost all meaning.

"I don't think we can." There was a quiet despair in Sirius' voice, one that had built up over years of solitude, pain and darkness in Azkaban. Remus smiled his empty smile again and tilted his head in his friend's direction.

"Was that a mature comment you made? I didn't think I'd live to see the day." For a moment they both expected James to cut in with a smart comment, one worthy of the record books before they remembered that he couldn't, and the warm atmosphere they'd held between them for a moment faded like the sun on a blustery winter's day.

The last two Marauders sat together until the young hours of dawn, lost in themselves. It was only now they were together again that they had to face what they'd so long buried. At last Sirius hauled himself to his feet, stretching and wincing as his protruding spine cracked.

"I'd best be off Moony old friend. Buckbeak'll be getting restless." Remus nodded, a tiny smile gracing his lips. He was glad Sirius could get away from it, a least for a little while. "I'll owl you."

With a last twisted smile (which his friend noticed has just a little bit wider) Padfoot was out the door and Remus was left to his musings. The full moon was in a couple of weeks- he'd have to get started on his attempt at a Wolfsbane Potion today if he wanted it ready. He sipped slowly at his cold tea in his shabby apartment and wondered if the guilt would ever fade.

Sometimes he wished the memories would too.

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** I think my favourite part is the last paragraph- what do you think? I hope you liked this!**


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